I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.
I’m glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.
If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a dry sense of humour.
Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
A man had his left arm and leg amputated; he’s all right now.
I wondered why the football was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
If you asked a plastic surgeon to make you look like a pelican, would you get a massive bill?
When ancient wall sculptors finished their work, it was a relief.
Someone left a piece of Plasticine in my house. I didn’t know what to make of it.
As one frog croaked to the other; “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”
Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas because he felt his presents.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Just watched a religious order playing stringed instruments; there’s too much sects and violins on TV these days.
I nearly lost my frog puppet recently; it tried to Kermit suicide.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I saw a kidnapping today, but decided not to wake him up.
I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’ve just eaten a very hard biscuit; that was one tough cookie.
There are a few grave diggers wandering around the local graveyard; I think they’ve lost the plot.
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Palaeontologists thought they’d found new evidence of a missing link, but it was just another fossil arm.
There’s a terrible smell in the local Apple store; it’s a shame they don’t have Windows.
I use my iPhone when I can’t get to sleep; I have a nap for it.
I found out why our refuse collectors are so miserable; they’ve been down in the dumps.
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office DVD is in big trouble; you have my Word.
A woman said she’d recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What do you call someone with neither a body nor a nose? Nobody nose.
I heard a song about a tortilla today; actually it was more of a wrap.
I decided not to return to my drumming lessons for fear of the repercussions.
I heard that OXYGEN and MAGNESIUM were going out and I was like O Mg!
If the devil ever loses his hair there will be hell toupée.
If anyone knows a really good fish pun, let minnow.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Ban singing in football stadiums? No chants.
I’m reading an excellent book about where people keep their cutlery; it’s top drawer.
I like to sing songs without choruses, but usually I refrain.
Would you like to know my secret to being a successful mime artist? I’m saying nothing.
My wife asked me to mend the plug on her fan; I simply refused.
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl use a toilet? Because the P is silent.
I haven’t done the hokey cokey in years. As you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.
I just read an advert for a job inspecting mirrors; I could really see myself doing that.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps; but I’m slowly getting over it.
People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.
Picasso once had a job as a stadium illustrator; he always drew a big crowd.
I worked in a paperless office once; everyone avoided the toilets.
The invention of the pickaxe was ground breaking.
I had to fire a masseuse today; she was rubbing people up the wrong way.
Apparently, the Sydney Opera House is off quay.
I have a very successful business building yachts in the attic; sails are going through the roof.
I often get a lift from an old school friend who always drives in reverse gear; we do go back a long way.
People keep telling me I’m too sceptical, but I don’t believe them.
I found some great puns at the drapers while I was looking for new material.
This book of incantations is useless; the author didn’t use a spell checker.
I’ve ordered a reversible jacket; I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
I used to enjoy archery, but it has its drawbacks.
Will glass coffins prove popular? Remains to be seen.
If you were sent down for a few years, it could be used to stuff quilts.
I know a professor who had his appendix removed, but he still has a full set of footnotes and an extensive bibliography.
Parachute For Sale: only used once, never opened, small stain.
I don’t like my tennis coach’s serve, so I keep returning it.
I swallowed some food colouring by accident and now I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Last year I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet.
My therapist has suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
On maps of Florida the key is always at the bottom.
I wonder which bright spark invented fire?
I’ve started a joke courier business; I can’t take anything seriously.
My daughter said I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
I was almost crushed recently by a pile of books, but I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I’ve just been on iTunes trying to sync ‘The Titanic’.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
A man walks into a betting shop and asks “Can I back a horse in here?” The bookmaker nods, so the man shouts “Okay Jim, back her in!”
What’s the bear minimum? One bear.
I went to a duck fancying club once. It was pretty fowl.
I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
